Dracul Van Helsing

(Scene: Office of Jack O' Hare Private Eye. Jack O' Hare is a jack rabbit with two big enormous ears sticking out of his fedora hat. A woman walks in wearing a low-cut blouse, tight skirt and spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes. The woman looks a lot like a young Rita Hayworth)

Woman: Are you Jack O'Hare Private Eye?

Jack O'Hare: I am.

Woman: But you're a bunny rabbit?

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: Well, I suppose that's okay seeing as how Easter is just around the corner.

Jack O'Hare: Yes but I hope you're not wanting me to lay any coloured eggs. That's just a myth like the theory that says man evolved out of a group of animals going back to an amoeba which in turn evolved out of nothing.

Woman: What are those two big things sticking up out of your hat?

Jack O' Hare: My ears.

Woman: Wow. What enormously big ears you have.

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: I have something to get off my chest.

Jack O'Hare: That looks like two things you have to get off your chest.

Woman: I must confess they're not real. I had a lot of help from Silicone Valley.

Jack O'Hare: From Silicone Valley? And to think my stock broker had told me that computer stocks had flattened out.

Woman: Well, there's nothing flat about these.

Jack O'Hare: I'll say.

Woman: My fiancee's been kidnapped.

Jack O'Hare: I see. And what's your fiancee's name?

Woman: Charles Lindbergh Jr.

Jack O'Hare: Charles Lindbergh Jr.? But he was kidnapped almost 80 years ago!

Woman: He was? Wow! He must be old then. This is the last time I'm going to get my family to arrange a marriage for me.

Jack O'Hare: He's not only old. He's dead. He was murdered by his kidnapper.

Woman: Dead? Well that does it, this IS definitely the last time my family is arranging a marriage for me.

(struts off on her heels and walks out the door)

Jack O' Hare: Wow! That was the fastest case I''ve ever solved.

(pours himself a glass of bourbon)

Jack O' Hare (raising a toast to himself in the mirror): To the quick...

(he then raises a toast to a missing kid's picture on a milk carton that had
not been thrown out in a very long time)

Jack O'Hare: And the dead.

The End.

Somewhere beneath those lights of Gotham
down there in the depths of Hell
where rats walk
and broken souls do dwell
sits the Joker
his grimacing smile a spell.

Like a spider rising from his web
he moves like a virtual Undead
oh, what a tale could be told
beneath his smile so eery bold
his eyes dark and shadowy
his laugh a demon's cacophony
his face white as the moon
his lips red like battlefields
covered on the Day of Doom.

His heart is a castle dark
devoid of life
or any spark
his sole mission now
is to bring the Batman down.

And so on this moonlit night
where wolf howls give you fright
and the birds they do not sing
only vultures circling
and Death's skull rides his horse
Hope's rays have gone off course.

The Joker dances in the street
odd cloven hooves for feet
to a dreadful dreary beat
no soul, just body heat.

And now Batman you must hear
the Joker's laughing jeer
you knew this time would come
to face the final drum.

And on the streets of Gotham today
underneath clouds cold and gray
the Batman met his end
a message to Robin one must send.

So Fate has shuffled his deck of cards
like mannequins at Mme. Toussard's
the Joker has beaten the Ace
woe betide Gotham's human race.

-The Joker
a poem written on this Feast of Fools
Wednesday, April 1st 2009
by Dracul Van Helsing