Dracul Van Helsing

And so Flavius was taken to court
with handcuffs, grunts and a snort
The judge on the bench was Santa
Prosecuting attorney was Banta
For the defense
was Maj. Spence
but despite his impersonation of Perry Mason
and some lying seagulls bussed from the station
the defense all came to nought
like a leopard trying to change his spot.

And Flavius is sentenced to bed
this coming Christmas Eve.
His replacement?
The elf called Steve.

And so in Santa's sleigh
the night before Christmas Day
there will be no Antonio Flavius
nor any sudden hiccavius
(that's reindeerese for hiccoughs)
from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
nor Comet nor Blitzen drinking beer.
What is the cause of Rudolph's red shiny nose?
Licking beer off Antonio Flavius' toes!

And so Nathan De Burgh is the hero of the hour
and despite the penguin's voice being sour
sing he will for Obama
not to mention
any future telerama.
And now 'tis the end
of our little drama
and we must bid adieu
to you and you
but on Christmas Eve
watch out for reindeer pooh!

Nathan looked up holding his cup
with steak and kid for sup
he was in a British pub
yes at the North Pole
aye there's the rub
and as elves came out of the tub
there was lots of soap suds
as Nathan ate his spuds.

One of the elves stopped to whistle
a sound to make mistletoes shrivel
"that doesn't sound like an elfen voice!",
Nathan looked up from reading his James Joyce.

He grabbed a beer from the barmaid Jenna
and looked up at an antenna
GPS would indicate
music copyright syndicate.

The elf's whistle was Dan Pengin's voice,
Nathan put down his James Joyce
and pulled a gun out of his underwear
this Ramboesque polar bear.

"Hands up Flavius
you pain in the avius."

To be continued.

"Nathan De Burgh here,
I'll have a beer,"
The bear helped himself to a frozen can
from the reindeer trough
a new brand- Quetzalquotov
Aztec beer
oh so dear
mixed with Vodka Smirnov.

It really gave quite a buzz
but don't drive
or face the fuzz
"Nathan here,"
he drank the beer
but no reply on his cell phone
so he yawned
and reached for an ice cream cone.

"That'll be 50 cents,"
said Major Spence
of the North Pole army
an elf the size
of a leprechaun in Killarney.

Nathan reached into his pocket
where he pulled out a light socket
"this is all I have," Nathan grinned.
"I guess tonight
the Northern Lights will be twinned."

To be continued.