Ever wonder where the great classical storytellers have gone?

The 19th Century used to be full of them- Jane Austen, The Bronte Sisters, Charles Dickens.

People who told a real story with real-life characters- even the minor characters were real.

Now in what they call the postmodern world of postmodern literature, there seem to be very few writers left who are also real storytellers.

Instead we get stock characters with stereotypical plots- or books with no plot at all.

I'm pleased to say this has all changed with Lulu Press's publication of Timothy Wood's novel First Samuel.

First Samuel is about the Bethlehem innkeeper who refused the Holy Family lodgings in his inn and instead sent them out to the stable where the baby Jesus was born.

As a result Samuel is cursed to wander the Earth until the Second Coming of Christ.

During his travels across time, Samuel meets the legendary Emperor Wu of China, is an observer at the last ancient Olympic games in Greece prior to the Olympics being banned by Emperor Theodosius the Great, meets England's great King Charles II and the great diarist Samuel Pepys.

The book ends on a dramatic note- September 11th, 2001 where Samuel is actually in the World Trade Center trying to arrange a series of loans for a new chain of hotels he's developing around the world.

The book reads like a history lesson- but an enjoyable history lesson as Samuel meets some of the most interesting characters of the last 2000 years
and observes many of history's most world altering events.

Throughout this journey across time, Samuel occasionally runs into another traveller and wayfarer across time- William Longhorn- who was the Germanic Roman centurion Longinus whose spear pierced the side of Christ.

It is a tale of both tragedy and hope, of sin and redemption.

It is the first book in a trilogy that Tim is writing about the wandering innkeeper of Bethlehem- Samuel.

Timothy Wood is a South African writer who suffers from dyslexia.

The fact that he was able to have a book edited and published is a remarkable achievement in itself.

But while Tim's writing in the original unedited version suffered from many spelling mistakes and grammatical errors as a result of his handicap, Tim's ability to weave together a compelling tale and offer vivid tantalizing descriptions of people and places was ever present.

Go to www.lulu.com and type in First Samuel.

Scroll down a few book titles until you reach The First Book of Samuel by SAREJESS (which is Timothy Wood's nom-de-plume).

The download is available for $6.25 US and the print edition is available for $20.25 US.

The Catholic Faith consists of 3 essentials as I have mentioned in my entry below.

These 3 essentials are also known as the 3 Perfect Mysteries of the Catholic Faith.

The 3 Perfect Mysteries of the Catholic Faith are these:

1) Perfect Mystery of the Trinity

2) Perfect Mystery of the Incarnation

and

3) Perfect Mystery of the Eucharist

By Perfect Mystery, the Church means something that cannot be explained by human reason. While these Mysteries do not contradict reason, they cannot be explained by human reasoning.

The Perfect Mystery of the Trinity is this: that there are 3 Persons in One God.

These 3 persons are God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

In the Old Testament, God the Father was called Elohim, God the Son was called Yahweh (or in English- Jehovah) and God the Holy Spirit was called the Shekinah (He was also sometimes referred to as Ruah or the Breath of God).

In the 19th Century, a pompous German theologian called Julius Wellhausen said that Moses did not write the Pentateuch- the first 5 books of the Old Testament (also known as the Torah).

Even though Christ taught that Moses wrote the Torah (many times Christ said, "Moses wrote" or "Moses said" and then proceeded to quote a verse from one of the 5 books of the Torah), Wellhausen and his followers had the attitude, "What did Jesus know? He was only God Incarnate. He did not have a prestigious Ph.D in Religious Studies from a prestigious University."

And Wellhausen taught that the Torah was a book thrown together from 4 different traditions which Wellhausen called the Jahwist tradition, the Elohist tradition, the Priestly tradition and the Deuteronomical tradition.

The Jahwist tradition was whereever the name Jahweh was used in Scripture, the Elohist tradition was whereever the name Elohim was used in Scripture, the Priestly tradition was whenever it talked about things relating to the Levitical priesthood and Deuteronomical referred to any passage that Wellhausen couldn't decide whether it was Jahwist or Elohist or Priestly.

Somebody that Wellhausen called the Redactor thew all of these 4 traditions together and came out with the 5 books of the Torah- Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy.

But the Redactor wasn't Moses according to Wellhausen.

Whoever the Redactor was remained a mystery locked up in the mind of Wellhausen's foggy Germanic intellect.

Wellhausen decided on letters for the 4 different traditions- Jahwist was represented by the letter J, Elohist was represented by the letter E, Priestly was represented by the letter P and Deuteronomical was represented by the letter D.

So Wellhausen told his students, "J wrote this, E wrote this, P wrote this and D wrote this."

Wellhausen colour coded his Torah to show the 4 different traditions.

The end result was a whole bunch of run-on sentences and run-on passages if Wellhausen's hypothesis was correct.

Plus Wellhausen never could explain the passages where Jahweh-Elohim was used as a name for God in the same sentence.

If Wellhausen had believed in the Trinity, he wouldn't have had these problems.

Where Elohim was mentioned in the Torah, it was referring to God the Father.

Where Jahweh (the Germanic translation of the Hebrew Yahweh) was mentioned in the Torah, it was referring to God the Son.

Where both Elohim and Yahweh was mentioned in the same sentence in the Torah, it was referring to both God the Father and God the Son.

And since Moses was the brother of Aaron the High Priest of the Israelites, it was no surprise that Moses gave instructions in both the Books of Leviticus and Deuteronomy on how the priests were supposed to perform their rituals and sacrifices.

But Wellhausen wasn't one to let his gaseous inflated balloon of a hypothesis be subjected to Occam's Razor (the medieval English philosopher William of Occam who said that usually the most logical explanation for something was also the simplest explanation for something).

And so what did most academics do when confronted with such an idiotic and ludicrous theory?

Naturally they accepted it.

And the Wellhausen hypothesis was taught as fact in most theological colleges and seminaries throughout the latter half of the 19th Century and all of the 20th Century.

Most theologians added to the number of authors (which must have caused a real headache for Wellhausen's fabled Redactor or Editor who put all these writer's writings together in one).

So soon one had a J1 writing this passage and a J2 writing that passage.

And a P1 writing this passage and a P2 writing that passage.

A D1 writing this passage and a D2 writing that passage.

Pretty soon you had a J3 and a D4 and a P5 writing other passages.

So between J2 and P3 and J2P2 and R2D2 and C3PO, you soon had the whole fricken' cast of Star Wars writing the first 5 books of the Old Testament by the end of the 20th Century according to most theological cracked eggheads.

I for one prefer to believe that Moses wrote the Torah (as Jesus of Nazareth believed) and that the Torah reflected the Trinitarian nature of God. That's why there were references to Elohim and Yahweh (Jahweh) and the Shekinah or Ruah throughout the Torah and Old Testament.

To be continued.

So my friend Tim (who is JS' SAREJESS) recently sent me an email in which he asked me a probing set of theological questions.

So I shall now endeavour to answer them.

Now Tim did not ask me this particular question- what is the Catholic Faith?

Nevertheless to deal with the questions Tim did ask me, I shall answer this question What Is the Catholic Faith? first.

First off by Catholic Faith, I do not mean the Catholic Church and more specifically the Roman Catholic Church which is the best known of all the Catholic Churches.

There are other Catholic Churches in the world besides the Latin Rite Roman Catholic Church. For example there's the Byzantine Rite Ukrainian Catholic Church. There's the Chaldean Rite Assyrian Catholic Church. And there's the Sarum Rite Book of Common Prayer Anglican Catholic Church to which I belong.

All of these Catholic Churches accept the 3 essentials of the Catholic Faith.

Catholic means Universal and it was a term first coined by Saint Ignatius of Antioch back in the late 1st and early 2nd Century AD.

By it, he meant that Christ died not only to save one people (the Jews) but all peoples and nations who live on the face of the Earth. Hence the use of the term Universal or Catholic. Because salvation was for all people not just one particular racial group.

The term Catholic became particularly important during the 4th Century AD. That was because most of the Churches throughout the Roman Empire had succumbed to the Arian heresy. Arius taught that Christ the Logos was only the Incarnation of the first creature that God had created at the beginning of time. Now this first creature whom Arius called the Logos was a powerful creature (the most powerful creature of all God's creation) and the reflection of God but this creature was not God.

Now Saint Athanasius disagreed. And for this reason Athanasius was disparagingly called Catholic by the majority of Churches in the Roman Empire.

It wasn't meant to be a compliment. Catholic was synonymous with Trinitarian in the Arian mind. Trinitarian meaning of course one who believes in the Holy Trinity- Father, Son and Holy Spirit- 3 persons in One God.

Now this belief in the Trinity was regarded as oh so old-fashioned and outdated by the Arians who regarded themselves as the oh so modern and chic and the self-proclaimed beautiful people of the 4th Century AD.

After all Arius had formed a synthesis of neo-Platonism and Christianity.

Now to be a neo-Platonist was the epitome of being an intellectual for those who considered themselves the "in" and "with it" crowd in 4th Century universities.

Now Plato taught that the Logos was a Demi-Urge. He was the Creator of the Universe sure but he wasn't the Good or the One (the Infinite in Platonic thought).

Now Plato taught that the Good (the Infinite) created the Logos (the Demi-Urge) and the Demi-Urge Logos in turn created the Universe.

But the Demi-Urge Logos was not synonymous with the Good (the Infinite).

During the 1st Century BC up to the 4th Century AD, there was a revival of interest in Platonism and Platonic thought.

The philosophy that arose as a result of this revival of interest in Platonism was called neo-Platonism

Among the greatest of the neo-Platonic philosophers were the neo-Platonists Porphyry and Plotinus.

Plotinus especially was considered the "in" and "with it" philosopher at the University of Alexandria in the 3rd Century AD.

Now Plotinus called the Infinite the One (whereas Plato himself had called Him the Good) and Plotinus taught the following:

The One created the Logos (the Demi-Urge) and the Demi-Urge Logos in turn had created the material universe.

Now the heretic Arius being full of... neo-Platonism... taught that sure Christ was the Incarnation of the Logos but that the Logos was not God but rather the Demi-Urge (Arius' theme song might well have been "The Logos is the Demi-Urge... this I know for the neo-Platonists tell me so!").

There was however one slight problem. In the opening verse of the opening chapter of The Gospel of John, the Apostle John had written, "In the beginning was the Logos (Greek word for Word) and the Logos (Word) was with God and the Logos (Word) WAS God."

Now John hadn't said the Logos (Word) was the Demi-Urge. John had written that the Logos (Word) WAS God. The Logos was God not the Demi-Urge.

Oh well, what did John know anyhow? Arius pompously pontificated, he was only a simple fisherman of the 1st Century AD. He wasn't that well educated. John certainly didn't have all the prestigious degrees that Porphyry, Plotinus and he Arius did.

He Arius knew the truth. God had created the Logos who was the Demi-Urge. This Logos Demi-Urge (whom Arius called the Christ) then created the physical universe and one day became Incarnate in Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus of Nazareth was the Incarnation of the Logos Demi-Urge but he wasn't the Incarnation of God.

Now hold on a minute argued a priest called Athanasius (today he is called Saint Athanasius in the Catholic and Orthodox Churches).

That isn't what John said in his original Gospel. And that isn't what the Church Universal or the Church Catholic has been teaching since the 1st Century AD.

Athanasius pointed out that the Catholic Church had taught 3 essentials from its very beginning.

Those 3 essentials were the Trinity, the Incarnation and the Eucharist.

The Trinity was the teaching that God was made up of three Persons- the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit and that these Persons together made up One God.

The Incarnation was the teaching that one of those three Persons of the Trinity- God the Son- had come down from Heaven and had united Himself to a human body and a human soul becoming Incarnate in the womb of the Virgin Mary. This individual who was conceived in the womb of the Virgin Mary and to whom Mary gave birth was the individual known to history as Jesus of Nazareth.

The Eucharist was the teaching that while Jesus will return in glory at the End of Time, Jesus was still found to be Present in the Eucharist. The Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ were present in the Bread and Wine on the Altar. This Doctrine is known as the Real Presence.

The Real Presence does not mean the same as Transubtantiation. Transubstantiation was taken to mean by some in the Church in the Middle Ages that people were literally eating the physical body and the physical blood of Christ when they ate the Bread and Wine.

This is not true.

While it is true that the Body and Blood of Christ are present in a Supernatural spiritual manner in the Bread and Wine (along with His Soul and Divinity of course), that does not mean that the components of physical flesh and physical blood are present.

So these were the 3 essentials of the Catholic Faith
1)Belief in the Trinity
2)Belief in the Incarnation (God the Son had become Man)
3)Belief in the Eucharist (the Body and Blood and Soul and Divinity of Christ were actually present in the Bread and Wine on the Altar).

Now of course these 3 Catholic essentials would not square with the new fangled Arian philosophy.

For Arius had adopted the Neo-Platonic proposition that the Logos was only a Demi-Urge not God Himself.

But the Catholic Faith taught that the Logos was God Himself- God the Son- who created the physical Universe. God the Son was called in the Old Testament Yahweh (Yahweh is the origin of the English word Jehovah). God the Father was called in the Old Testament Elohim.
The Holy Spirit was called in the Old Testament the Shekinah.

And the Catholic Faith taught that God the Son- Yahweh- who was called the Logos in Greek by the Apostle John- became Incarnate in Jesus of Nazareth.

Arius ridiculed Athanasius for believing these outdated not keeping up with modern times ideas and called Athanasius and his followers Catholics (it wasn't meant to be a compliment!).

So there was a battle between Arians and Catholics going on in the Church.

At the Council of Nicaea in 325 AD, it looked like Athanasius had won.

Arianism was condemned as a heresy.

But despite the fact the Bishops sided with Athanasius at Nicaea, the rest of the Church did not follow suit.

Athanasius was driven from his bishopric at Alexandria and an Arian was appointed in his place.

Athanasius had to spend many years as an exile in the desert while the Arians controlled the Churches in Alexandria and most other places in the East as well. It was only towards the end of his life that Athanasius was restored to his bishopric in Alexandria.

Although the Emperor Constantine abided by the decision of the Council of Nicaea for the sake of unity in the Empire, Constantine was personally an Arian.

For Constantine had never really given up belief in Sol Invictus (the Unconquered Sun) who was the god of Mithraism- the Persian religion Constantine had originally adhered to since it was so popular in the Roman Army.

After Constantine had won the victory at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in 312, Constantine had come to believe in Christ sure but that's because he thought Christ and Sol Invictus were one and the same entity- one and the same being.

And since Constantine personally believed that Christ and Sol Invictus were one and the same entity- that's why he came to sympathize with Arianism.

For Constantine could not really picture Sol Invictus (the Unconquered Sun) as existing outside the physical universe.

But when Arius came along and said Christ as the Logos was the Demi-Urge and the Demi-Urge was created by God and the Demi-Urge in turn created the physical universe, this was more in line with Constantine's personal belief that Christ and Sol Invictus were one and the same.

So while Constantine pretended to accept the Edict of Nicaea, he didn't really enforce it. After all Alexandria (which was an important City in Constantine's Empire) had driven out Athanasius and appointed an Arian in his place as Bishop of Alexandria. And Constantine accepted the decision.

That is why the idiotic hypothesis Dan Brown presents in his joke of a book called The Da Vinci Code is so out of touch with reality.

Dan Brown's ignorance of history is as vast as the universe is.

For Brown has the inate stupidity to suggest that Constantine imposed belief in the Trinity and belief in the Incarnate Deity of Christ on the Council of Nicaea.

ROTFLMFAO! Constantine was personally an Arian, Mr. Brown! (you're certainly living up to your last name because that's what your so-called history is full of- a substance whose colour is brown!).

Constantine only pretended to go along with Nicaea because the vote was so heavily against Arius' views (318 bishops voted to condemn Arius, only 2 did not).

Constantine did not enforce the edicts of Nicaea.

As can be seen by the fact he allowed the Orthodox Catholic Trinitarian Athanasius to be driven out of his bishopric in Alexandria and an Arian appointed in his place.

Constantine invented belief in the Trinity and in the Incarnate Deity of Jesus of Nazareth?

Get off the pot, Mr. Brown! (or whatever it is you're smoking!)

To be continued.

So Samuel was faced with a dilemma. Let's say he could capture William Longmont and imprison him. All William would have to do was find some way to commit suicide and then he'd be free. And William Longmont was the type of man who'd find a way to commit suicide.

Samuel sent an e-mail to his friend Bote Chris Van Heerden the pastor who was formerly an operative in South African intelligence explaining his dilemma. Chris sent back an e-mail saying he'd think it over.

Hm. This was a complex problem. William Longmont the former Roman centurion Longinus whose spear had pierced the side of Christ. A man who could not die until Christ's Return. His body could be killed. But a new one would instantly be created for him.

And now Longmont was a convert to the most extreme form of Islam- apocalyptic Wahhabism within Sunni Islam. Although Longmont's Wahhabi views were quite similar with those of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a member of the so-called Twelver sect within Shi'ite Islam. The Twelver Sect believed in the imminent return of the 12th Imam- known as the Imam Madhi- the Islamic messianic style figure who'd return at the end of the world according to Islamic beliefs.

Longmont believed in the imminent coming of the Mahdi. And it was his mission to slay unbelievers to prepare the way for the coming of the Mahdi.

That was why Longmont had been Mohammed Atta's co-pilot on American Airlines Flight 11 which crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center on September 11th at 8:46 AM.

After the crash which had physically killed both Longmont and Samuel, the two wandering souls were sent into new bodies.

Longmont must be stopped. He was now a devout fanatical Muslim who would kill and kill again to bring about the return of the Mahdi.

How ironic that the man whose spear had pierced the side of Christ was now a Muslim. Ironic and yet somehow appropriate.

For no religion in the world had probably done more to pierce the side of Christ throughout the centuries than Islam. Islam had denied Christ's divinity and had turned the God-Man (the Incarnation of the Second Person of the Holy Trinity) into a mere Prophet- a prophet who was lesser than Mohammed.

Of course the Deists and Unitarians of the Enlightenment felt the same way about Christ. And in the late 20th Century, many Episcopalian and Anglican clergy and even some Methodists and even the odd Baptist felt the same way about Christ.

As Saint John the Apostle had written in Greek, he who denied that Jesus was the Divine Christ of the Godhead incarnate in the flesh was of the spirit of Antichrist.

Bote Chris Van Heerden decided to take a woman friend of his out to dinner. Her name was Selene Kao, a lovely Chinese-American woman from Pasadena, California. He had met her on the Net. Although it wasn't what one might think by that expression. For it wasn't in a chat room or a dating service but a blogging site where both wrote blogs that they had met.

Bote Chris Van Heerden happened to be in Los Angeles attending a World Evangelism Conference when he received the e-mail from Samuel. He knew that a dinner and a glass of wine in the presence of a beautiful woman would clear his mind and set his thoughts straight.

For Chris was always thinking. Sometimes he thought too much.

And too much thinking left little room for real genuine inspiration.

Part II Samuel's Dilemma

Bote Chris Van Heerden had enjoyed his dinner immensely. Selena Kao had worn a lovely black evening gown and looked exquisitely feminine and radiantly beautiful. They had dined on shrimp, potato soup, lobster and a steak marinated in red wine and then had lime sherbert for dessert. They had then gone to a nearby Latin nightclub where they had salsa danced the night away.

Selene had thanked Chris for a lovely evening when he drove her back to her home in Pasadena. They kissed goodnight. And then Selena skipped up the steps to her front door.

Chris drove back to his hotel in Los Angeles.

When he opened the door of Room 453, he thought back to Samuel's dilemma. And the man who couldn't die. William Longmont- a fanatical devotee of an Islamic sect that believed in the imminent coming of the Imam Mahdi.

A man who could escape any form of imprisonment simply by committing suicide.

As Bote Chris Van Heerden opened the door, the name of another man came to him. The name of Dr. Oscar Penforest.

Samuel's Dilemma Part 3

Dr. Oscar Penforest had been born in Seattle, Washington. But he had been raised in Great Falls, Montana. He studied medicine at John Hopkins University in New York. When he was 24, he won a Rhodes scholarship to study at Oxford University. He graduated with an MA (Oxon.) in Psychology.

Dr. Penforest went to Germany and Switzerland where he further studied in psychiatry. He then went to the Montreal Neurological Institute where he studied neurosurgery.

Thus Dr. Oscar Penforest had a double specialty- psychiatry and neurosurgery. Dr. Penforest practised and taught both subjects at McGill University Medical School in Montreal.

His area of specialty was memory and memories. Surgically speaking, he worked with the temporal lobes in the brain- the areas of the brain that controlled memory and memories.

But Dr. Penforest was also a devout believer in the existence of the soul. And had longed to find empirically the point at which mind and brain intersected- the mind- that mental faculty of the soul- and the brain- that mental faculty of the body.

If there was any man who could deal with the likes of William Longmont, it was Dr. Oscar Penforest.

For Bote Chris Van Heerden had come to the conclusion that the only way to imprison Longmont and prevent him from committing suicide was to remove Longmont's memory- the memory of his long 2000-year-old past.

And Dr. Oscar Penforest was just the man to do it.

The following is the foreword I've been asked to write to Timothy Wood's novel The Curse. Chapters of The Curse can be read online at http://sarejess.journalspace.com

Foreword To the Curse

Salvation. Damnation. You don't hear those two terms bandied about much in public discourse these days. But at one time they were the topics of fierce debate in barber shops in 4th Century Constantinople and Athens where it was argued whether the Son was homoousious (of the same Substance) or homoiousious (of like substance) with the Father. Which one the Son actually was ultimately an important issue when it came to one's personal salvation in the thinking of that century.

England in the 17th Century. Charles I and Archbishop William Laud vs. the Puritans. Was there any goodness in man? Was there any goodness in the world? Were the fruits of the earth to be enjoyed for their own sake or was it just something only to sustain life on a person's journey to salvation or damnation which had already been decided before the dawn of time according to the Calvinist? The world views of Charles I and Archbishop Laud were ultimately radically different from that of the Puritans. And the worldviews shaped the government and society of the day. The reign of Charles I. The Puritan ayatollahism and demagoguery of Oliver Cromwell. One country but two totally different Englands.

But here in the opening years of the 21st Century, nary a peep is heard about salvation and damnation. And it has been that way in public discourse in the Western world for at least 50 years. Quite ironic that a war fought against a society that was quite literally Hell on earth (Nazi Germany)- the post-War years would see society, politics, culture and even most mainline Churches give up belief in the doctrine of Hell.

Subconsciously under the surface of minds everywhere, the lyrics of John Lennon's song Imagine bubbled, "No Hell below us, Above us only sky". Or if anyone held to belief in an afterlife, they subconsciously subscribed to Origin of Alexandria's teachings of Universalism (which had been condemned at the Second Council of Constantinople in 553 AD) which was that ultimately everyone was saved.

At Oxford University in the 1930s, there was a group of scholars and academics who used to meet in the Eagle and Child Pub. They called themselves the Inklings. Among the most famous Inklings were C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien and Charles Williams.

Charles Williams is the least known of the 3 Inklings. He was the author of 7 Supernatural thrillers. Now a horror novel if it is well-written I have always been able to finish.

But I have never been able to finish a Charles Williams novel. And it is not because they are not well-written. It is because the horror in them is ultimately one of damnation- what it is like to lose one's eternal soul. The thought of damnation doesn't really ultimately frighten most people today. And maybe that's because most writers have never fully captured the horror of what damnation must feel like. Perhaps a reading of Charles Williams might be the answer to the blase malaise in theological thinking on the afterlife in the 21st Century. If anyone can get beyond the third of fourth chapter of a Charles Williams novel, I take off my hat to them. I really don't want to go on and read what damnation must be like.

Some theologians have expressed the opinion that when Christ cried out on the Cross, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?"- at that moment in time, Christ was feeling what a damned soul in Hell must feel like. The feeling is obviously a terrible one because after that, Christ "gave up the ghost". He died. The feeling of what it must feel like to be truly and hopelessly damned had killed Him.

The Roman soldiers had to break the legs of the other two Crucified so that all could go home before the arrival of the Sabbath. But not the legs of Christ. He was already dead.

For most of us, we probably don't think of ourselves as Saints. But neither do we think of ourselves as particularly bad either. We're basically good chaps who enjoy the passions of the flesh a little once in awhile. A little wine. A little comraderie. A night of lovemaking with a beautiful woman.

Samuel ben Ezra is a chap much like us. A basically good man. A hard working businessman. He gives the tribute due to God and he helps out his fellow man. He's a great chef. A great cook. He runs his inn very well and he takes care of his guests.

Like all of us, he has his ups and downs. Like all of us, he has his bad days.

On one particularly bad day, Samuel is overwhelmed by too many guests. A fight with the wife. Disaster boiling over in the kitchen. Another knock at the door. Another guest demanding a room. Can't these morons see that there's no vacancy?

But I have a pregnant wife, the man begs.

So, is Samuel's attitude, what's that to me?

An attitude that will cost Samuel dearly.

For the man knocking at the door is Joseph of Nazareth. And the pregnant woman is Mary of Nazareth. The Mother of the Christ Child.

And so what was just a day for Samuel turns out to be what must feel like eternity.

For Samuel is cursed to wander until the end of time. He must come to know what ultimately it means to be saved before his soul is finally released from this earthly plane. His body may be killed now and again but it rises phoenix-like although not in an Resurrection body but another earthly body carrying his earth-bound soul.

Down the corridors of time he wanders. A visit with the Chinese Emperor Wu in the early 3rd Century AD. Attending one of the last of the ancient Olympic games in Greece before the Emperor Theodosius the Great finally bans the games in the late 4th Century AD. Burned at the stake by the Spanish Inquisition. A friend of Charles II and Samuel Pepys in the late 17th century. Helping Johann Sebastian Bach compose the score for the musical piece Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. Fighting the good fight with Bonnie Prince Charlie in the gallant '45-'46. Running an inn in Boston in the 1870s. Fighting in the trenches of World War I. Seeing firsthand the horrors of Auschwitz. Watching the execution of the courageous Dietrich Bonhoeffer. In Dallas on the day Kennedy is shot. Putting together an major international hotel business deal at the dawn of the 21st Century only to have his plans suddenly go awry.

Such is the life of Samuel ben Ezra.

Condemned to wander the earth until the end of history until he can work out what salvation is.

For unless he can work out what is the answer of salvation before the end of time, he shall be confronted with... damnation.

And that truly is a curse...

worse than the one he has now.

-Christopher Milner.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was sunning himself on a Caribbean beach when a courier service person on a sandswept bicycle pulled up.

"Package for Mr. Blair," said the courier.

"That would be me," said Tony.

Tony signed on the dotted line.

"Who's the package from?" Cherie asked.

"Fidel Castro," Blair looked at the sender's name.

"I thought he was in hospital," Cherie said.

"Well, I guess he's out of hospital now," Tony replied.

"What is it?" Cherie asked.

"It's a cigar," Tony replied, "A Cuban cigar."

"Are you going to smoke it?" Cherie asked.

"I'm going for a dip first," Tony ran off into the water.

"I always wanted to try one of these things," Cherie lit the cigar.

The cigar exploded and Cherie's face looked like charcoal and her hair stood on end.

"Dear," Tony said when he returned, "I really think you should switch hairdressers. And it's not very politically correct these days to put on a minstrel show."

I got the title from an old Harry Belafonte song that went, "Ma-tilda! Ma-tilda! Ma-tilda! She take me money and run Venezuela!".

Translated from the Caribbean lingo, what the song is saying is that the fellow's girl named Matilda has stolen all his money and run away to Venezuela.

And speaking of songs, when I was taking the bus downtown today I noticed they were paving the parking lot of the Boston Pizza Restaurant across from the Sherwood Park Transit Center.

My first thought was, "They're paving a parking lot. Must be putting up paradise!". (Fans of Joni Mitchell songs should be able to get that joke).

So anyhow I had a dream this morning. The dream started out I was in New York City and I was a reporter for CNN News.

Anyhow I was covering a pro-Hugo Chavez rally in New York City. Hundreds of thousands of people were screaming Hail Chavez! (Hugo Chavez is the President of Venezuela for all you airheads out there).

U-2 singer Bono has recently been blacklisted by the Hollywood crowd for having the audacity to say that "Hugo Chavez is a power-hungry despot."

Anyhow while covering the pro-Chavez rally in New York City, I wondered to myself, "I wonder if there's any anti-Chavez rallies going on in Venezuela?".

This being a dream the next thing I knew I was in the Venezuelan capital of Caracas covering an anti-Chavez rally.

The protestor was one person- a beautiful young Venezuelan senorita wearing a long cream-coloured skirt.

Attracted to her beauty, I went up and started asking her questions. She was reluctant to talk at first. But finally did so.

Soon Venezuelan police were pointing in our direction.

She grabbed my hand (which I didn't mind at all) and said, "Follow me, I want to show you something."

We ran down some Caracas back streets.

Soon I was introduced by her to an individual who looked like Johnny Depp (Johnny Depp if he dyed his hair and his beard blonde).

"This is Kristafero," she introduced the man, "he will take you to the room of hidden ballots."

The room of hidden ballots was apparently a room where Chavez' police stored ballots that voted against Chavez from the last Venezuelan presidential election.

Kristafero claimed the last Venezuelan election was rigged.

Suddenly the room was filled with anti-Chavez Venezuelans as I started taking pictures of all the massive amounts of ballots.

I went outside for some reason and then I noticed the Venezuelan police approaching. I went inside the room and warned the demonstrators.

We took off in all directions.

I ran through some underground tunnels until I came up through the popcorn and concession stand of a Caracas movie theatre.

The theatre usher apparently knew me.

Anyhow I left the theatre and wanted to go to the CNN News Bureau in Caracas to show them my photos of the hidden ballots.

But the public park I was now in (having left the movie theatre) was surrounded by Venezuelan police who were looking for me and hoping to confiscate my camera.

They were searching all the cars and all the individuals leaving the public park.

I saw a bunch of haystacks in one direction and I started running through the haystacks.

Then I woke up.

Strange dream.

It reminded me of a 21st Century version of an Alfred Hitchcock espionage thriller.

I don't know what to make of it. My own opinion of Venezuelan politics is that the last elections which elected Chavez were fairly fair and honest.

I think Chavez has the potential to become a totalitarian dictator. Whether he's finally crossed that line I don't know.

According to Bono (who may have more inside information), "Chavez is a power hungry despot."

Maybe Bono is right.

Who knows? Time (and possibly CNN) will tell.

The Kim Jong-il music video consists of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il singing:

I miss my *miss*ile
oh yeah
I miss my *miss*ile
My missile missed
And now I'm pissed.
oh yeah
I miss my missile.

The Bishop of Sillyham the Rt. Rev. Mario Vingian swore revenge against David Beckham and England's football team after England team captain David Beckham kicked him in the nuts with a football.

The night before the match against Portugal the Bishop of Sillyham hired a Hungarian werewolf Bela Noimnotlugosi to bite Beckham- not to turn him into a werewolf but to wreck his performance.

It was a 0-0 draw. And then England lost to Portugal 3-1 on penalty shots.

Today a tearful David Beckham announced that he was resigning as Team England captain.

In the meantime the Bishop of Sillyham continued his nefarious activities.

He give his wiccan New Age blessing to the French national football team at this year's 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany.

And the French team won defeating powerhouse Brazil 1-0.

British vampire hunter Edmund Van Helsing (cousin of the famous Canadian vampire slayer Dracul Van Helsing) got wind of the Bishop's nefarious activities (for the bishop had eaten pork and beans for lunch).

Putting on a gas mask, Edmund Van Helsing entered the Bishop's study where the Bishop was enacting a badly performed salsa dance and singing an absolutely godawful rendition of Paula Rubio's song Sexual Lover in front of a statue of the Greek goddess of witchcraft Hecate.

To be continued.

Today is the 90th Anniversary of the start of the Second Battle of the Somme. Over 20,000 British and Irish lives were lost on this one day alone.

"Are you ready for your blessing?" the Bishop of Sillyham asked.

"Sure, whatever," Beckham replied.

"First, let's say a little prayer," the Bishop of Sillyham put on his bishop's mitre, "Our Transgendered Parent who hangs out up above, many are your labels, your Queendom come, your coming out parade be on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily Oprah, give us our antidepressants even as we give psychoanalysis to those who have offended against us, and lead us not into the closet but deliver us from homophobes for thine is the Queendom and the Ecstasy and the Orgasm forever and ever. Aperson."

"Now I know why I've stopped attending church," Beckham said under his breath.

The captain of the 2006 England World Cup Football team picked up a football and kicked it in the direction of the bishop's nuts.

"Owww," the bishop screamed in a rather high-pitched voice.

"I thought the bishop was going to give us his blessing?" one of the players asked.

"He's giving us something," the team coach noted as he noticed the bishop raising his middle finger in the team's direction.

The End.

England's team captain David Beckham was told that there was a Church of England Bishop outside the locker room anxious to impart his Episcopal blessing on the 2006 World Cup English football team.

"One of those daft types?" Beckham said.

"It looks good in the papers," the team's PR man replied.

"Rolls of toilet paper maybe," Beckham answered.

"We wanted Rowan Williams the Archbishop of Canterbury here," said the team's PR man, "but since he's an ArchDruid as well as an Archbishop, he plans to be at Stonehenge worshipping the sun during the week of the summer solstice."

"I say," said the locker room janitor, "I heard ArchDruid Williams talking once on the importance of gay clergy and gay bishops in the Anglican Communion. He did the speech in the midst of an appreciative audience in the middle of a Turkish sauna I remember."

The locker room opened and in walked the Bishop of Sillyham the Right Rev. Mario Vingian.

"Hi there," the Rt. Rev. Mario Vingian waltzed into the room, "I'm here to give you my blessing."

"You're not wearing a cross like most bishops," Beckham noticed.

"Indeed not," the Bishop of Sillyham replied, "this is a kabbalistic Star of David specially blessed by the Madonna... the rock star... not the mother of that guy... what's his name again... oh... Jesus."

To be continued.

The old priest closed the door of Saint Boniface's Roman Catholic Church.

Evening Mass was over and the last of the parishioners who had attended Evening Mass had now left the church.

Father Ryan walked down the steps and walked down the street.

As he did so, he passed a church building called the Assembly of the End Times. The denomination was a small Protestant sect- one that was absolutely convinced that we were living in the End Times.

The pastor Rev. Jack Burns had been visiting the priest's church office quite a bit since the start of the year.

Every time Rev. Burns dropped by, he mentioned today's date, June 6th, 2006- the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the sixth millenium (assuming one accepted Bishop Ussher's Biblical chronology).

Funny, about this being the sixth year.

Back in the year 2000, people were making a fuss about the year 2000 being the first year of the millenium (in actual fact since there was no Year Zero dividing BC from AD, 2001 was in fact the first year of the New Millenium).

And now they were making a fuss about 2006 being the sixth year of the Millenium (that would only work if 2001 was the first year of the Millenium- which of course it was). All the hype about 2000 was gone (for if 2000 had indeed been the first year of the Millenium, then 2006 would have been the 7th year of the Millenium).

Now occultists, satanists and apocalyptic Protestant evangelical sects together were making a big deal about today- 06/06/06.

Father Ryan had just laughed off Rev. Burns' warnings about the Beast arriving today- 06/06/06.

As he walked along the street, he saw Rev. Burns approaching.

"Good evening, Jack," Father Ryan greeted the minister.

"That's Burns to you," the minister shouted and suddenly turned into a scarlet red fire-breathing demonic beast who shot flames out of its mouth. The flames consumed the Catholic priest.

Rev. Burns had been right.

The Beast had arrived on 06/06/06.

For Rev. Burns was the Beast.

The END.

"You don't seem to be all that frightened of me," the Mummy sounded disappointed.

"I once met Paul Martin when he was still the Prime Minister of Canada," Putin replied, "Nothing could possibly be more terrifying than that."

"I'm going to have to kill you," the Mummy approached Putin.

"You've never met my Mummy," Putin smiled.

Just then the door opened and in walked Lenin's re-animated corpse.

"This is Vladimir Lenin the founder of Soviet Russia," Putin introduced the new stiff who had just walked into the room.

"How did he get here?" the Egyptian Mummy asked.

"I summoned him through a voodoo spell," Putin replied.

The Mummy's face would have expressed shock if it hadn't been bandaged, "I didn't know you knew voodoo."

"Who do?" Lenin smiled, "Not many I can tell you that."

"Where did you learn voodoo?" the Mummy asked.

"From a correspondence school in Florida," Putin replied, "I have a Mail Order Diploma in Voodoo, That Old Black Magic and Necromancy not to mention a certificate of ordained ministry allowing me to perform marriages in the Church of Britney Spears."

"I'm Kharis, High Priest of Osiris," the Mummy replied, "I've been dead for 3000 years so not many people recognize me."

"Well, you shouldn't complain," Ryan Seacrest entered the room, "I'm Ryan Seacrest the host of American Idol and American Top 40. I'm still alive and yet some blogger had never heard of me even though I wore pink once."

Kharis, Lenin and Putin all stare at Ryan Seacrest.

"Oh, I see you haven't heard of me either," Seacrest frowned, "Everybody's heard of Simon Cowell and everybody's heard of Paula Abdul. But not everyone's heard of me. I'm like that third judge on the show whose name even I have forgotten at the moment."

"What are you doing here?" Putin asked.

"Well since Vince Welnick one of the last members of the 1960s rock band The Grateful Dead has now gratefully died," Seacrest replied, "I thought I'd start a rock band called the Grateful Undead. And I thought maybe Lenin and Kharis here would care to join me."

"Well, what do you think fellows?" Putin asked Lenin and Kharis.

"Does this mean I'll get lots of groupies and lots of sex?" Kharis asked.

"It sure does," Seacrest answered.

"Where do I sign?" Kharis raised his bandaged hand.

And that was the beginning of Kharis the Mummy's career with the rock band The Grateful Undead. And as well-known American radio commentator Paul Harvey would put it, "And now you know... the rest of the story."

The following is a hilarious commercial for photocopying paper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62svy2p1vgg

"Why have you come to dispatch me to the Underworld?" Vladimir Putin asked.

"Because I hear you are after the lost Lapis Lazuli mines," the Mummy replied, "and my Pharaoh Tuthmosis has sent me to dispatch you out of the way to prevent you from finding it."

"Your Pharaoh Tuthmosis?" Putin was incredulous.

"Another living Mummy," the Mummy replied.

"And who are you?" Putin asked, "what's your name?".

"Don't you recognize me?" the Mummy seemed offended.

"No," Putin shook his head, "Mummies are like Asians, you all look the same."

"That's a very politically incorrect thing to say," the Mummy retorted.

"Maybe on the Oprah Show in the US," Putin answered, "but being the absolute ruler of Russia, I get to decide what's politically correct and politically incorrect here."

To be continued.

The following is the Dracul Van Helsing-Armand Van Helden music video, Hear My Name.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C11ftLeMjlw

The following is a TV commercial for Pritz, a Japanese snack made by Glico a Japanese snack maker. The commercial features Japanese pop singer Aya Matsuura.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMrbmHdC5JE

Russian President Vladimir Putin walked over to the samovar to pour himself another cup of tea.

"Ah refreshing," Comrade Putin remarked to himself after he took a sip.

He looked at the plate next to the samovar. The one that read Black Sea Caviar.

"Being the absolute ruler of Russia does have its perks," Comrade Putin remarked as he helped himself to a cracker and dipped it in the Black Sea caviar.

The Russian leader made a sour face, "Damn! Tastes like fish eggs!".

He took another sip of tea and noticed it had no lemon in it. He walked over to the box marked Lemons and opened it. Inside were toy model replicas of the Chrysler cars of the 1980s.

He went over to the cocktail bar and picked up slices of real lemons (the fruit not the Chrysler products).

"Ah one cannot have real Russian tea without having real remon in it," Putin said in his best Japanese accent.

Suddenly a scream echoed through the Kremlin.

Putin wondered whether he had left the toilet seat up in the family bathroom and his wife had just got home.

But it turned out it was one of his aides.

His aide entered the room screaming, "Mr. President, there's a Mummy in the Kremlin."

"A... what?" Putin was stunned.

"A Mummy," the aide screamed, "a real live Egyptian mummy. He's wandering around, bandages and everything."

"Well, what's he doing here?" Putin asked.

"I don't know, Mr. President," the aide replied, "I didn't stop to ask."

The aide continued screaming as he ran out the fire exit.

Suddenly there was a knock on the office door.

"It's open," Putin said as he calmly sipped on his tea.

The door opened and standing there was a Mummy.

"You're a long way from Egypt," Putin remarked as he helped himself to more caviar.

"I don't speak Russian," the Mummy said in perfect English.

"Where did you learn to speak English?" Putin asked in the tongue of his dreaded enemy George Dubya Bush but with much better pronunciation.

"I took classes at a language school in Cairo... night courses of course," the Mummy replied, "like vampires, mummies fall to pieces during the day.

"What are you doing here?" Putin asked.

"I've come to dispatch you to the Underworld," the Mummy replied and moved towards the Russian President in a threatening manner.

Hm, this wasn't shaping up to be a great evening, Putin thought to himself.

To be continued.

For more entertaining tales of Geopolitics and the Supernatural, visit http://draculvanhelsing.journalspace.com